Reflections
by Ravyn Skye
Summary: Request was for Sess/Mir yoai ANGST. Miroku looks back on his life with his Lord and Lover, Sesshomaru.


**Gift Fic FOR**: **nastygakusei** (aka PseudoHanyou here on ff (dot) net. I encourage you to check out her stories if you like angsty/dark Sess/Rin and/or DeathNote yaoi. She's very talented at what she does. My personal Fave from her is 'Filthy'.) Request was for Sess/Mir yaoi ANGST.

A/N: To the anon reviewer: Let me explain something about how I do gift fics. I have a process. 1) I go through and read EVERYTHING that the reciepient of the fic has EVER written/published. 2. I talk to that person's friends and ask what they know about what the person likes and 3) I try to subtly (if it's a secret fic, like this was) talk to THAT person about what they like in fics, or have them BETA something for me and see what changes they make.

As NastyGakusei/PseudoHanyou is friends with Jenerik_Brand (Who, with as much fiction as I've read, I'm SURE I HAVE read her, and from the company she was known to keep before she bowed out of fanfic, I'm SURE she was VERY talented and I'm also sure I LOVED her writing), and this story is actually based on PseudoHanyou's writing style (which is why it's SO different from my other stories), as well as the style of a few fics that PseudoHanyou told me she liked, I can COMPLETELY see where you might see a similiarity between this and something written by Jenerik_Brand.

You are also COMPLETELY correct in your assertation that I learn through emmulation. Certain phrases in my work come from others, for example: "Unchecked affection" is a phrase I use in my story 'His Special Girl' (found in the lolicon collection) as well as other fics, and I found that phrase in the story 'Sweet Dreams' by 'NorthStar' on AFF (Also known as NorthStar333), and loved it. However, I do not plaigerize and I certainly do NOT 'steal' without crediting. If a pharse is more than just a couple of words, and I want to use it, I credit. (Example: 'Tiny Pointed Tounge' comes from 'Childbitch' written by 'SalomeSensei' on AFF and is used in a few of my fics - I also TOLD HER and ASKED HER if I could use the 3 word phrase and she said 'sure!'.)

Just as my 'Claimed Completely' was written for and based on Izzanami's writing style, and just as 'Woven' was written for SalomeSensei's comm and based on her style, this was written for and BASED ON PsuedoHanyou's writing style... but since she is/was friends with Jenerik_Brand, I'm SURE that you could see a similarity, easily. Imitation and Emulation are different though. :)

**Title**: Reflection

**Author**: RavynSkye aka Plumespixie

**Summary**: Miroku reflects back on his life with his Lord and Lover, Sesshomaru.

**Warnings**: Implied Char Death, Yaoi, D/s, Spanking, slight Rin-bashing

"_It is not the way of this Sesshomaru to feel anything for humans."_

"_So fucking __**tight**__."_

"_Come to all fours."_

"_You will take what you are given and make no complaints."_

"_Pathetic human."_

"_Yes… just like that."_

I have lied to myself, so many nights. When I would hear the groan when he entered me I heard only the pleasure, and none of his shame.

I questioned not, fearing the answers, or worse – his impassive silence – his reluctance to even be seen by another living creature with me.

I was never at his side, always falling in step behind.

"_This Sesshomaru sees no value in this 'Way', houshi."_

"_You are wasting time, houshi – come along."_

"_Take my powerful fuck…"_

Each day that I followed, as though it were _me_ who was a lost _puppy, _the connection grew and grew.

So trapped was I beneath that golden gaze and that god-like body, so blinded by reverence and misplaced trust.

I was naïve to believe he would always allow me to follow.

"_Houshi – where is that you think you are going?"_

"_Remain here, this Sesshomaru will return."_

For 26 years I made my way across the landscapes of Japan, rarely thinking of anything but my lord.

Each day was spent in adoration and a quiet kind of content as I watched his long hair sway on the breeze. There was awe in my gaze when I saw the glint of the sun on the spike of his armor and the way he moved with liquid grace.

Never once did I consider the truth that was never spoken… he would remain as beautiful, ethereal, and graceful as he was on that first night that he came to me – demanding, not asking for satisfaction.

The same is not true for me.

"_Do not dawdle."_

"_Keep up."_

"_Faster – you are in the way!"_

Each day my body aged, but my love grew deeper still. I pushed myself to the limits of endurance, wishing to keep up.

I gave _everything. _I suffered _everything_.

Cold, hunger, wind, rain, sleet, snow, storms, lightning, constant battles, prolongued periods of loneliness.

All of these things I endured for the moments of supreme bliss, when I was sure that I had found nirvana itself, crowded beneath my lord and filled with him, entirely.

When he thrust into me, burying himself and stretching my body so wide I was near to sure I could not take it, and his lips and fangs and tongue played on my neck and shoulders… it was _divine._

Nango and hot breath in my ear, a hard chest and rippled abdominals that radiated an unnatural heat pressed to my back, and a thick hot throbbing cock buried deep with in my body… it was _exquisite_.

When his body howled and shook and a clawed hand grasped my own aching arousal, pumping furiously, desperately, near to the point of pain, and fangs sunk into the tender flesh of my shoulder and I knew that his climax was inevitable… it was _awesome_.

"_You seek to command this Sesshomaru?"_

"_You doubt me?"_

"_You will do as commanded, or face consequences."_

Ah, yes… there were those moments as well… when there was something I had done that displeased or shamed my lord and master and the _consequences_ were _quite_… _harsh._

I lay bare across his lap, my face stained with tears, my attempt to sway his decided course, a futile gesture, I realize now. His hand reigned down blows regardless and my posterior showed the evidence of his _care_ for days afterwards.

No one dictates to Sesshomaru-sama what he does, when he does it or _how_ he does it… and if he was going to discipline me, I was foolish to think that mere _tears_ would sway my Lord.

"_How foolish."_

"_What is the point of tears?"_

"_This Sesshomaru had thought that in depositing the human girl child in the villiage he would have to bear the sight and scent of tears no longer."_

It should have been then that I realized that nothing is forever with humanity.

I was failing to keep up, wrinkles appeared at my eyes and around my mouth, and gray hairs began to show at my temples.

Still I followed.

I will never know why it is I have been abandoned, but I can guess.

"_Houshi – you will remain here."_

"_This Sesshomaru will not return."_

"_Do not follow. Remain here."_

Most would see cruelty in his actions, but as a monk, I try to see kindness, where, in fact, there may be none.

Was Sesshomaru-sama annoyed with my prescence? Did he notice my aging and was repulsed? Was he simply tired of his human follower, once again?

Did he noticed I was falling behind more and more, could he hear my labored breathes and cracking bones and did he know how hard I struggled up the hills?

"_A life with me, is a life wasted."_

There was… care in his eyes at that moment, and for the first time he said 'me'… lowering the politeness level of his speech to one a person would only use with a friend or family member.

While I understand his concerns and I appreciate them… This Monk is nothing without his Lord.

~*~

Sesshomaru watched from the tree top as the monk came out of his seeming contemplations.

There was no doubt in the Lord's mind what it was the monk was here to do. The ceremonial bowl and dagger sat on the grass next to him.

_Seppuku…_

_How foolish._


End file.
